Unang Araw

Sobrang natatakot ako. Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa mga susunod na araw. Ako ay nang-iwan at iniwanan. Maliban sa takot ay pagkalito at lungkot ang iba pang bumabalot sa akin. Ang mga nakasanayan ay isa-isang naglalaho. Akala nilang lahat kaya ko nang ako lang mag-isa. Paano kung sa pagbalik ng kaibigang lumisan ay hindi na niya ako madatnan? 

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To my Favorite Guy

I don’t know what to feel right now.

It is not like I can’t live with the thought of you being away.

I’m used to being alone than you are.

I’m most of the time alone anyway.

But you are one of the few good and consistent things in my life.

Especially now.

I’m going to miss you.

I hope I’m still me when you come back.

I’m happy you’re chasing your dreams.

This is getting too cheesy.

And we hate cheesy.

I don’t want to say I’ll wait, but I will until I can.

2016, you too shall pass

Dito ko na lang ise-share ‘to since I am too ashamed to admit na I failed in a lot of things lately. 

Last day of the year. I keep thinking or more of remembering if I’m as sad last year.

Anyway, my thoughts and worries:

– Going back to my stressful new job. I wanted to quit just 1 month into it pa lang. I’m not like this. I’m questioning myself lately, have I become a quitter? Am I not strong as I think am?

– I’m losing my best friend. It will be one of the best adventures of his life. I’m happy he achieved his dream. But why does he have to stay away? He’s been one of the few good and consistent things in my life. Then now, napapaisip ako: Do I have feelings for him? Or maybe I just hate the feeling of being left behind. But who doesn’t right?

– Lastly, I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m not good at anything. No one needs me. Well, never mind. This too shall pass.

HELP ME GOD. I don’t know what to do. 😢🙏🏻

Sugal

Ipinamigay mo ako sa buong mundo.

Samantalang, ikaw ay lumilikha

Ng sarili mong araw at gabi.

Kung saan maaring ikaw ay di kaylangan maging isang ama, o asawa, o kapatid, o kaibigan

Kundi ang lahat ng gusto mong maging:

Historyador, mang-aawit sa koro,

Manlalakbay, tagapagsagot ng palaisipan sa mga dyaryo.

Nalulong ka sa kalungkutan

sa mga nabigong pangarap.

Nagpakalango sa usok

Ng mga panandaliang ligaya,

Sana sa amin ka na lang tumaya, Ama.

Ipinamigay mo ako sa buong mundo.

Nakikipaglaro sa mga batang ipamigay din

ng mga kani-kanilang nanay at tatay.

Kaylangang manalo sa larong ito,

sa buhay na ito, na di mo naipanalo.

Kahit pa gusto kong lumipad

at mabaliw sa aking mga pangarap,

Kahit pa gusto kong magmahal

at ang lahat ay kalimutan.

Ngunit

Kaylangan kong maging ikaw.

Untitled

Sinasabotahe ng Lunes ang lahat.

Mahuhuli ka sa trabaho dahil mahaba ang pila sa MRT.

Matutusta ang balat habang nagmamapa ang pawis sa suot na polo.

Pagdating sa opisina, pagagalitan ng boss. Di ka na lang sasagot.

Baka maalala pa ang lahat ng deadlines mo. 

Ngunit kahit walang imik, naalala pa rin niya at sermon ang almusal mo.

Anvil Publishing Sale until December 10 ’16

Anvil sale ongoing. And yes my friends, Philippine literature is not all about Precious Hearts (no offense meant, nagbasa rin ako niyan at one point in my life 😀). I’m a proud fan of Philippine Literature. Don’t mock something you know nothing about. Kung gusto mo mag-comment, mag-research ka muna. Thank you. 😀Anyway, enough of the ranting. If you’re interested, you can visit them at #25 Brixton St. Kapitolyo, Pasig. From MRT Boni, ride a trike and tell the driver to bring you to Mcdo (alam niya na ‘yan). Then from there you’ll ride another trike which you can provide Anvil’s address mentioned above. 

Happy book shopping guys!

How I Fail and Feel Things

This was really supposed to be a blog about books and the literary pieces I create. But apparently, what I really just managed to create is shit. Far from literary. And to be honest, I have trouble finishing reading books nowadays. It just was not like before. It is hard when I cannot write about anything. I cannot write because I always think that no one will read them anyway. But why write for anyone? I cannot write because, now, I am aware of the rules. I studied poetry for more than a year back in 2012-2013. And one thing’s for sure, I suck at writing. I get all the concepts but none of my teacher thinks I learned any of it. I am not just good at executing the lessons, maybe. 

When I was younger, I would write because I feel like doing so. I used to write poems to my first love. But that did not work out too. He never read it. It does not really matter anymore. Like what I write will never matter to anyone. 

After 2 years, now, I cannot write a fucking thing. They’re really all just confessions. Of how I fail and feel things. Sulking in the depths of suppressed emotions I am not willing to give up.

I do no write anything anymore. But then, I am thinking, who is to judge how someone is supposed to express her feelings? Who is to know if an experience is interesting enough to be put into writing? When I try to find answers, it ends with me realizing and admitting it: I am just bitter.

I do not read anything anymore. I cannot seem to focus. I don’t know where my old self went. I feel like I am supposed to be writing whenever I started reading. And so you see this circle goes on and on. I cannot get out. And so, as such maybe, I could start with opening it up.

And accept the fact, I should write regardless if someone’s going to read or not. Accept that no matter what happens, at the end of the day, what’s important is what I think of myself more than anything else.

Well, to be honest I don’t know how to end this venting out. So, yeah, so there.